Things We Control on a Healing Journey

As the movie Inside Out 2 recently taught us, anxiety is an emotion best directed at the things we actually have control over. This has been a hard concept for me to grasp, and I know I'm not alone. 

Today, I had a medical procedure that involved being swaddled up and having a needle driven deep into my spine — deeper than any available anesthesia could reach — while fully conscious. It was terrifying. 

Today, I’d like to go through this infographic from Dani Fagan (@MyTMSJourney) to run through some of the individual elements I controlled in this situation. 

• How I responded to setbacks — I walked in drinking water only to find out I was supposed to stop consuming fluids two hours prior. This meant I was not eligible for conscious sedation. I owned my ignorance and choices and expressed my understanding and willingness to continue. 

• How I prioritized myself — I followed through even when I wanted to quit, and I asked my husband to take time out of his workday to support me. 

• How I listened to my intuition — After the procedure, I felt unsteady and my instincts told me to accept a wheelchair ride to the car instead of trying to walk. 

• How I protected my energy — I made sure to sleep the night before and prep as much as I could for the morning. It wasn't easy to sleep, but I did what I could. 

• How we celebrate our small victories — I summoned up all the joy I could. I also treated myself to Chinese food, a treat I only indulge in once or twice a year.

• How much we allow ourselves to feel — I tried to stay as present with myself through the procedure as I could. 

• How we speak to ourselves — Lately, I’ve been focusing on self-encouragement. I reminded myself I had done this before without significant trauma, and I could do it again. I reminded myself how hard I had worked to find a solution like this. I reminded myself of the ways I prepared and of brave things I’d done in the past. I also used breathing affirmations.

• How much I honor my current capacity — I knew I could do it, and I did it. When they gave me the choice to slow down the procedure if I needed to, and I took them up on it.

• How much I moved and breathed — I kept deliberately still, kept my muscles as relaxed as I could, and breathed deeply. Intentional muscle relaxation and breathwork are things I practice every day, and today that practice paid off. 

• How much we learn about ourselves and our condition — I left the hospital today feeling more hopeful. This procedure was less painful than my last one and I have more confidence I can continue with them regularly as I seek to regain more control over my health and life. I was able to relax and control my body more than I thought possible on the operating table - when I was wheeled back into the patient room for vitals, my blood pressure and heart rate were lower than before. I also felt inspired to write this blog post. That’s a huge takeaway. Writing is certainly something I can control and a great way to process any difficult situation. 

• Bonus: How and whether I express my feelings — I let the doctors and nurses in the operating room know I was scared and possibly having a trauma response. They asked what they could do for me, loosened the restraints, chatted with me, and kept me updated throughout the procedure. The choice to be kind was theirs — not all medical professionals respond this kindly to expressed feelings — but my choices paid off in this instance. 

Related: Find Your Locus of Control